What are your dreams?

I just read an article about a 14-year old boy turned his hot dog food cart into a brick-and-mortar restaurant. He’s so much younger than I am, yet he’s much more inspiring. I still don’t know what to do with my life! The worst part is I deeply know what my dream career is but too afraid to say it out loud. I’m even too afraid to even think about it in my head because it gives me great pain to think about it and not do anything about it. Sounds like a loser, don’t I? You caught me!

I’m sorry if you are trying to find an interesting thing to read and ended up on this page, but if you’re too curious to read thus far, sorry is on you! This is MY space. Or more like this is my therapist. I’m too broke to go to one, so I found myself a space to lash out self-loathing, stupidity, and self-disappointment. You see, I’m even too afraid to do that publicly. I’m a girl full of secrets. Not that those secrets are horrifying or anything, but they are secrets that I feel judged if I tell them to people.

You know like those movies you watch, the main character usually has at least one best friend to share everything with. I don’t have that. I’ve never shared anything with any of my friends. I don’t have a best friend. Do you have a best friend? If you do, lucky you bitch! Forgive my language. I’ve never called anyone bitch my whole life, not out loud at least. But those movies made it cool to call someone or a friend ‘a bitch’.

Ah, feel so much better now after I allow myself to talk nonsense. You know sometimes it’s tiring to always try to talk professionally or properly or usefully. I’m still a child. I still have trouble putting words into sentences or making those sentences sound more meaningful. English is my favorite language in the world, yet it’s killing me every single day knowing that my english is not at the level I wanted it to be. But then, I still have trouble putting words together in my own language. That’s the curse of being an immigrant, isn’t it? You left your country when you were too young to fully master your native language, yet you came to your new country when you were too old to master this new language. Yeah, that’s true but kinda bullshit. There are people speak fluently in more than two languages but only live in one country.

So what should I blame for my life?

I kinda wanna blame my parents and my country, but it’s really not their faults. They didn’t have the opportunity as I did growing up. The fact that they raised me and my siblings this well is already beyond measure.

All I know, I just have to keep doing what I am doing…..at least for now…..

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