How are you feeling these days?

I’m in a good mood today. I’ve just started re-reading one of my favorite books. Even though I kinda already knew what’s in that story, I still discover new information about it that i missed during the first reading. And I also almost finished the Stats course for my job, that gave me a sense of being on track. But the good mood is hard to retain these days for me. The fact that both of my cheeks have been scarily red for months now concern me every time I look at my face in the mirror. Not to mention that my P. hasn’t come for two months already. There must be something wrong with inside my body. And many other internal/external induces stress can turn my mood upside down in a blink of an eye. Yup, I’m a dramatic person at heart.

But compare to years ago, I think I get better at handling my feelings. I feel calmer. I don’t cry as much. Although every time I feel like crying, I just let myself have it and cry until my sleeves are wet. Right, I wipe my tears with my sleeves. Sometimes paper towel. I don’t use/have tissue paper anymore.

Being able to write is also something that help lift my mood. I enjoy writing. I want to be a good writer. But I hate that I don’t practice to be one. I wanna be good at art, but my brain can easier take in math and physics. I am quite bad at chemistry and horrible horrible at biology. Sometimes I wish I could be good at biology and had studied to be a doctor though. When I was jealous at doctor or mad at their bedside manners. I hate that I’m not creative enough to make a living out of it. I’m jealous at how some people are very good at interior design and success in it. Why can’t I grow up to be a writer, a painter, a pianist, or an interior designer? Why am I so bad at what I love? My heart is crying inside.

Writing and lamenting about it really helps. It’s like dropping some weights down. Not a whole lot of weight, but a small part, yet enough to make my day better. And now it’s time to work for two more days before weekend comes.

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