I’m in a good mood today. I’ve just started re-reading one of my favorite books. Even though I kinda already knew what’s in that story, I still discover new information about it that i missed during the first reading. And I also almost finished the Stats course for my job, that gave me a sense of being on track. But the good mood is hard to retain these days for me. The fact that both of my cheeks have been scarily red for months now concern me every time I look at my face in the mirror. Not to mention that my P. hasn’t come for two months already. There must be something wrong with inside my body. And many other internal/external induces stress can turn my mood upside down in a blink of an eye. Yup, I’m a dramatic person at heart.
But compare to years ago, I think I get better at handling my feelings. I feel calmer. I don’t cry as much. Although every time I feel like crying, I just let myself have it and cry until my sleeves are wet. Right, I wipe my tears with my sleeves. Sometimes paper towel. I don’t use/have tissue paper anymore.
Being able to write is also something that help lift my mood. I enjoy writing. I want to be a good writer. But I hate that I don’t practice to be one. I wanna be good at art, but my brain can easier take in math and physics. I am quite bad at chemistry and horrible horrible at biology. Sometimes I wish I could be good at biology and had studied to be a doctor though. When I was jealous at doctor or mad at their bedside manners. I hate that I’m not creative enough to make a living out of it. I’m jealous at how some people are very good at interior design and success in it. Why can’t I grow up to be a writer, a painter, a pianist, or an interior designer? Why am I so bad at what I love? My heart is crying inside.
Writing and lamenting about it really helps. It’s like dropping some weights down. Not a whole lot of weight, but a small part, yet enough to make my day better. And now it’s time to work for two more days before weekend comes.
I just read an article about a 14-year old boy turned his hot dog food cart into a brick-and-mortar restaurant. He’s so much younger than I am, yet he’s much more inspiring. I still don’t know what to do with my life! The worst part is I deeply know what my dream career is but too afraid to say it out loud. I’m even too afraid to even think about it in my head because it gives me great pain to think about it and not do anything about it. Sounds like a loser, don’t I? You caught me!
I’m sorry if you are trying to find an interesting thing to read and ended up on this page, but if you’re too curious to read thus far, sorry is on you! This is MY space. Or more like this is my therapist. I’m too broke to go to one, so I found myself a space to lash out self-loathing, stupidity, and self-disappointment. You see, I’m even too afraid to do that publicly. I’m a girl full of secrets. Not that those secrets are horrifying or anything, but they are secrets that I feel judged if I tell them to people.
You know like those movies you watch, the main character usually has at least one best friend to share everything with. I don’t have that. I’ve never shared anything with any of my friends. I don’t have a best friend. Do you have a best friend? If you do, lucky you bitch! Forgive my language. I’ve never called anyone bitch my whole life, not out loud at least. But those movies made it cool to call someone or a friend ‘a bitch’.
Ah, feel so much better now after I allow myself to talk nonsense. You know sometimes it’s tiring to always try to talk professionally or properly or usefully. I’m still a child. I still have trouble putting words into sentences or making those sentences sound more meaningful. English is my favorite language in the world, yet it’s killing me every single day knowing that my english is not at the level I wanted it to be. But then, I still have trouble putting words together in my own language. That’s the curse of being an immigrant, isn’t it? You left your country when you were too young to fully master your native language, yet you came to your new country when you were too old to master this new language. Yeah, that’s true but kinda bullshit. There are people speak fluently in more than two languages but only live in one country.
So what should I blame for my life?
I kinda wanna blame my parents and my country, but it’s really not their faults. They didn’t have the opportunity as I did growing up. The fact that they raised me and my siblings this well is already beyond measure.
All I know, I just have to keep doing what I am doing…..at least for now…..
What’s the point of this post? What’s the point of this life? What’s the point of whatever I’m doing? I don’t know. Who knows? The points keep changing. One day, the point is to live life to the fullest, and the next day the point is to make the right decision and save money for retirement, and the next next day the point is to be a part of a community or our families.
It’s tiring, confusing and …. trapping!
When I was younger, I couldn’t see myself having this so called Mid-Life crisis. And Boom! I’m in it too now. Amazing how time flies! Sometimes I just wanted to go back to 10 years ago when the purpose was a little clearer than now. Sometimes I just wanted to fast forward to the next 10 or 20 years and skipped this whole foggy area altogether. Tough choice!
In reality, we just have to keep going…
Depending on where you are in the world, the number of days you have not left the house since the lockdown varies. Well, except for once a week groceries shopping and in my case visiting my parents-in-law or grabbing some of my favorite fast food such as In & Out burgers. With that clarification, my number is 67 days and still counting. I started working from home since March 10th, and by March 23rd, working from home is in full swing for my company. I don’t know how many of us are looking forward to the office setting. But I’m sure everyone misses the occasional face to face interactions.
Continue reading “How I Trick My Brain to Work Productively During Covid-19”
What have I been doing since July 2019? I know I haven’t written any post since. Vaguely, I remember quitting my job then went off to Hawaii for a month. Then there were several weeks of inactivity, then my relatives came to visit, we took a road trip to Grand Canyon. And that’s what my last post was about! Hmm…what happened next??
Continue reading “Since July 2019…”
I quit my job to do YouTube. Yup! Except my first video will not be up until the next 300 years! And I wish I could say I left my job to do blogging since I’m technically doing it right now. But I’ll probably starve to death before getting any pays at all. However, blogging is one of the fewest things that I knew I wanted to do even if I’ll never get paid for it. My only regret is that I didn’t keep up with my last blog site that I created a few years back. So I’m giving myself a second chance here.
Continue reading “Saying Goodbye to My First Job after College”
If you’re married and have been asked the question, welcome to the club! In fact, I caught myself red-handed too, and in my case I didn’t know what else to ask after a while of talking (it’s really not because I truly care about them. I’m sorry.) But being exposed quite often to the situation, I’ve learnt that it is not actually a good question I want to answer to. I’m sure I’m not the only person who feels like that. And I’m writing this to hold myself accountable. And I encourage us, well-intended and good-hearted people, to stop asking the question for various reasons:
Continue reading “Let’s stop asking people when they’re gonna have kids.”